What Happened When My Partner & I Stopped Sleeping In The Same Bed

June 9, 2025

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By Skylar Hunyadi

But doesn’t that just make you roommates? 

This is the most typical response I get when people find out my partner and I sleep in separate beds. As a couple in our early 30s who started this practice in our mid-20s, we are likely in the minority of young couples who practice sleep separation. 

If you’re having a gut reaction to this, that’s normal. Sleep separation is a hot topic in the relationship world and is one of my favorite controversial dinner table conversations. Humorously referred to as “furniture polyamory,” sleep separation is an alternative sleep arrangement in which a couple honors one another’s sleep preferences by sleeping apart or even having separate bedrooms. I’ll delve deeper into our reasoning as a couple, but generally, sleep separation occurs due to disruptive sleep habits, differences in sleep environments, or working opposite shifts. And some people just prefer to sleep solo — shocker, our society has some pretty strong opinions about this.

This choice has recently gained a lot of buzz, often criticized as a sign of a failing relationship or a demotion in intimacy. The term negatively dubbed “#sleepdivorce” has gained traction online and is something sleep specialists are talking more about. But while research shows that sleeping with your partner can decrease stress, it can also have the opposite effect, depending on the couple.

So, How Did We Get Here?

My partner and I have been together nearly eleven years, and for about half that time, we’ve had separate bedrooms. It started as a logistical decision, as he began working evenings and nights, making it increasingly inconvenient to share a bedroom. Then, he sustained a back injury that made sleeping in his bed necessary for the duration of recovery. However, despite these logistical beginnings, we firmly believe that sleep separation would have happened anyway. 

It’s fair to say that neither of us is a dream to co-sleep with. He’s a snorer and I’m a talker, and despite being 5’1, I like to starfish. So, we aren’t exactly sleep-compatible. Long were the nights I would nudge when he snored, and he would nudge me back when I took up too much space; add in two very needy cats, and neither of us was getting much sleep. Needless to say, we’ve accrued a lot of sleep debt over the years.

Over time, we saw the benefit of not just separate beds, but separate spaces. We decorate differently and enjoy different hobbies. I also tend to be more orderly and organized in my space, whereas my partner likes more controlled chaos. Of course, we find common ground in shared spaces and have overlapping interests, but the intentionality of separate bedrooms has prevented the enmeshment that is so common in relationships today. 

In addition to the pointed “roommate” comment, we’ve gotten, Why would you do that?, or, Is something going on in your relationship? And here’s what I say: what works for my relationship may not work for yours. We’ve chosen to prioritize our sleeping preferences and embrace our separate identities in our living space. Sleeping separately has, by far, made us better partners. 

So, in the realm of bullsh*t expectations put onto couples, sleeping in the same bed is by far one of my favorite things to debate. In our experience, here are some myths and some unexpected benefits: 

Myths about sleep divorce  🛏️       🛏️

1. It’s a sign of relationship trouble: For us, sleeping separately has prevented relationship troubles. When we’ve slept better and have our respective spaces to decompress, we’re better able to communicate and be present for one another.

2. You lose intimacy: False…it just takes a bit more intentionality 😉

3. Only older couples do this: Sleep separation among older individuals seems to be more acceptable (for whatever reason). This option was modeled to me by my parents due to sleep apnea issues, so it makes sense that I took this path as an adult. However, I've yet to meet another couple my age who practices this — but I’m sure they exist! 

4. It’s just a phase: Note the undertone that sleeping separately is something a couple has to grow out of, that it couldn’t possibly be a healthy long-term solution. It can, in fact, be a long-term solution and can even strengthen the relationship. 

5. Once you start, you can’t stop: And on the flip side, it can be a temporary option. Some couples choose to sleep apart during a busy season of life or when work shifts change. Some even choose a hybrid method, in which they sleep alone and together throughout the week. It’s not an all-or-nothing choice; my partner and I still sleep together on vacations and getaways — I just take extra measures like bringing my earplugs, and we make sure to get a king-size bed. 

The Unexpected Benefits ✨

1. Increased sense of self: While many of our hobbies and values overlap, the ways we express these are notably different. I’ve been able to build my identity as a writer and cozy gamer by setting up a dedicated space in my room, where, if we roomed together, his gaming space would likely take priority, as his setup is more involved than mine. 

2. Better sleep! It’s worth emphasizing that sleep is essential to being a functioning human. It’s OKAY to prioritize it in your relationship. It actually should come first, in my opinion. 

    

3. A newfound sense of security: The primary concern I’ve come across is that sleeping separately will generate a sense of insecurity and anxiety in the relationship. If this happens, it’s an excellent opportunity to explore your emotional and physical needs and identify alternate ways to build emotional security that won’t interrupt your sleep.

4. Intentionality of intimacy in all forms: When “together time” isn’t built into your day by landing on the same set of pillows every night, it’s imperative to find a different way to connect. The intentionality of emotional check-ins (or sexy rendezvous) can build a sense of purposeful closeness, versus the expectation that this will happen just because you’re lying next to one another.

5. Stronger personal boundaries: Once you begin prioritizing your needs, it’s hard to go back. It’s incredibly liberating to know that despite unconventionality, you’ve made a decision that works for your relationship. These boundaries will undoubtedly trickle into other facets of your life.  

*****

Needless to say, sleep separation is a complex topic — there’s more to say on the history of this practice and how to effectively bring it up with a partner (maybe a part 2?). But, for now, thank you for joining me for a brief shift in content to talk about something more personal and polarizing.

What are your thoughts?

I would LOVE to hear what you think about sleep separation: whether you agree, disagree, have questions, want to share your story, or just want to chat more about it. Reach out to me on my socials in my bio below! 

For more from Sky, join her on Substack! Subscribe here to receive her essays right to your inbox. This newsletter is a cozy corner of self care, reflections, and other small pleasures. All are welcome <3  

Skylar is a licensed clinical mental health counselor who talks about self-care as the foundation of a prosperous life. She has a deep love for yoga, vegetarian cooking, and religiously organizing her Google calendar. Follow her on Instagram for more self-care and mental health content or on LinkedIn for the more ~professional~ stuff.

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