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It’s Friday evening, and you’re finally done with a particularly trying week. You’ve gone grocery shopping, done a quick clean, and now you’re collapsed on the couch for a few hours of mindless scrolling. Swiping through Instagram stories, a pair of slippers pop up. You notice their cozy aesthetic and that they come in lavender. But, like the conscious consumer you try so hard to be, you swipe past it. The next day, you open Instagram again, and the first post features that same pair of lavender slippers, except this time modeled on a woman around your age, sprawled on her couch, the picture of relaxation. 

…And that’s all it takes for you to click the post, your card information already saved in your phone, and confirm the purchase. Because, after all, you worked so hard this week, you deserve a pair of cozy, lavender slippers (!) 

While this is definitely not a true story 👀, I bet your own version of cozy lavender slippers comes to mind. Tickets to a concert? Or the latest skincare line? These moments even emerge in the name of celebration, as we buy that decadent cocktail or overpriced grocery store bouquet. Whatever it is, we all know that addictive feeling when something special is right at our fingertips or on its way in 3 business days. 

There’s probably a more official term for this spending habit, but I like to call it: I Deserve This Spending (IDTS, for short). This is when you psychologically justify purchases that serve an emotional need rather than a practical one. 

For the record, IDTS is not inherently bad, and it isn’t really about money. It serves as an emotional regulation tool. And while this kind of spending may make us feel good in the short term, these purchases can add up to something far more stressful. 

So, why does IDTS feel so good?

One thing I love about my work as a therapist and freelance writer is that I get to mix psychology with topics like personal finance. And if my past TFD articles haven’t convinced you, the two are inextricably linked. 

The short answer is that a person in a state of stress is vulnerable to decreased impulse control and increased self-soothing behavior. In other words, when we’re depleted mentally, physically, or otherwise, we simply don’t have the energy to make logic-driven decisions. 

Grocery shopping at the end of the week? I deserve this $8.00 prebiotic soda. 

Had a hard month at work? Why not book that resort that you’ll just put on your credit card?

This kind of spending can occur at all levels, but in any case, it helps shift your mood from discomfort to relief. It’s the difference between dopamine anticipation/reward and lasting satisfaction/contentment. Rewarding “survival” (or what our brain interprets to be survival) creates an unsustainable cycle of dopamine-driven reinforcement. What we’re actually trying to do in these moments is fill unmet psychological needs. Some common examples are:

And while it may feel like you’re scratching that itch, it’s really just soothing the feeling without addressing the source. In short, when you emotionally spend, you gain:

With this in mind, emotional spending isn’t just an irrational behavior; it’s a dysfunctional adaptation to our hyper-consumerist world. 

But…

As I’m sure we’ve all experienced, that relief fades quickly and is replaced by financial stress. In small doses, the “I deserve this” narrative can cause minimal impact. It’s when it becomes a pattern that it creates more long-term problems, such as: 

So, what we’re NOT going to do is jump straight to shame. Instead, focus on building insight and awareness around your patterns to produce actual change-behavior. 

Building Awareness Without Killing Joy

Despite our easily manipulated psychologies, there is a reality in which we derive joy from spending without it turning into something dysfunctional and harmful to our financial well-being. Here’s a four-step process to bring awareness and intention back to your spending: 

Step 1: Do a 60-Second Check-In. Ask yourself, what happened today? What emotion(s) are you trying to change? What emotion are you trying to feel instead?

Step 2: Name the need as explicitly as possible. What do you actually need right now? Are you seeking comfort? Rest? Celebration? Escape. Pinpoint this need as precisely as possible. 

Step 3: Delay without denial. Before finding a healthier alternative, attend to the current urge in front of you. Some strategies include saving the item(s) in your cart or giving yourself a timeframe — three days is a good measure for me — before ultimately deciding to buy something. 

Step 4: Find the closest approximation to fill the need. This step may take time as you learn what works — and doesn’t work — for you. For example, if you need to escape, you might call a friend and buddy-watch a movie together. If you’re craving comfort, cue the ambiance and pop a frozen pizza in the oven. Keep it simple, inexpensive, and realistic. 

While these steps are great for in-the-moment, the ultimate goal is to replace impulsive rewards with intentional ones. Sustainable rewards not only regulate emotions but also support your future financial goals. Some ideas are: 

*****

By embracing practices like these, we move from permission to intention, building a closer relationship with ourselves by identifying actual needs rather than acting on impulses.

If you take anything from this piece, let it be that self care is also financial care. True treating of oneself means understanding what we’re rewarding, why, and how it fits into our budget. 

You still deserve joy — just in ways that last longer than a checkout confirmation.

For more from Sky, join her on Substack! Subscribe here to receive her personal essays right to your inbox. Here's her latest post. This newsletter is a cozy corner of self care, reflections, and other small pleasures. All are welcome <3

Skylar is a licensed clinical mental health counselor who talks about self-care as the foundation of a prosperous life. She has a deep love for yoga, vegetarian cooking, and religiously organizing her Google calendar. Follow her on Instagram for more self-care and mental health content or on LinkedIn for the more ~professional~ stuff.

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