The Hidden Costs of People Pleasing

September 15, 2025

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By Skylar Hunyadi

Being a people pleaser is often thought of as relatively harmless. “Going with the flow” is just being agreeable, and prioritizing others is just a quirky flaw that makes you a good person. But the true cost of people pleasing is far more subtle and taxing, especially on your finances. 

So, let’s call people pleasing for what it really is: a dysfunctional, and often unsustainable, pattern of prioritizing the needs and wants of others and, in the process, an abandonment of yourself.

If you feel called out already, I fear these are words you probably need to hear. I say this with all my therapist-love. Sometimes we need to feel uncomfy to get the wheels of change moving. 

So let’s get into it. 

As women, we’re encouraged—if not outright rewarded—for engaging in people pleasing early and often, in both our personal and professional lives. It’s not just a form of emotional labor; it’s a slippery slope that can directly impact your wallet and long-term financial wellness. As a therapist, I often see the financial consequences of chronic people pleasing: overspending to avoid conflict, undercharging for services, giving time and energy without fair compensation, and self-sabotaging out of guilt. It’s a tough pattern to crack, especially when these behaviors have been normalized for years. 

The Cost of Being “Nice”

In the social context, people pleasing most often shows up as overspending to maintain relationships. This might look like extravagant gift-giving, covering costs to avoid conflict, or overspending to appear generous.

It becomes a kind of conditional love, where the underlying fear is: If I don’t give enough, spend enough, or show up in this way, I won’t be valued or accepted. I see this dynamic especially around bridal and baby showers, or group travel like birthday trips and bachelorette weekends. Because these big-ticket events carry such heavy social weight, it becomes even harder to offer a clear (and kind) "no,” even when the cost is well beyond your comfort zone.

This kind of social behavior can lead to financial self-sabotage, in other words, taking on unnecessary costs to avoid disappointing others or causing conflict. Beyond big-ticket events, this could even look like co-signing a loan you don’t feel comfortable with or lending money without clear expectations. At its core, it's a dysfunctional connection between caring/love and a price tag.

And in the professional world, people pleasing can show up financially through a fear of asking for fair rates. For many, just the thought of discussing money feels uncomfortable—add in a tendency to prioritize others' comfort over your own, and suddenly you’re chronically under-earning. Freelancers and service-based professionals are particularly vulnerable to this. When your income depends on setting your own rates, negotiating contracts, or pitching services, people pleasing can quickly put you behind financially. In these scenarios, you may over-deliver and undercharge or avoid the conversation altogether, not to appear “too much.”

Overall, people pleasing can convince you that being liked is more important than being financially stable. But being valuable doesn’t mean saying yes to everything: It means knowing you’re worth and asking for what you need without question and with confidence. 

The Psychology Behind People Pleasing

At its core, people pleasing stems from a fear of rejection and a need for social approval. It’s not just a personality quirk—it’s a protective behavior, shaped by early experiences and reinforced by cultural and social conditioning. As we know, women are often socialized to be self-sacrificing, praised for being “nice,” and criticized for being assertive. As a result, self-advocacy can feel emotionally and socially risky. 

The result of avoiding this kind of risk? A slow but steady financial drain. Think of a sink that’s constantly dripping. It might not seem like much day to day, but over a year, the leakage adds up. In the same way, every time you avoid being “difficult” to keep the peace, you’re quietly leaking energy and income. But people pleasing doesn’t have to cost you your peace or your paycheck. 

Steps toward Self-Advocacy 

I’m not going to pitch you a perfect plan that will cure you of all people-pleasing habits. Just like I tell my clients: it will take time, trial and error, and moments of massive discomfort. But here are some starting points toward minimizing the impact of people pleasing on your finances.  

1. Value-based Spending: Get clear on what actually matters to you. I like to think of a value-based budget in sets of three, for example, 1. future house savings, 2. spending on travel experiences, and 3. repaying college debt. If a spending decision doesn’t fall into one of your identified categories, it’s time to set a boundary with yourself or with others. 

2. Pricing with Confidence: In the realm of career, your rates and salary are not just numbers. They reflect your time and expertise. If you struggle to discuss rates face-to-face, consider initiating the conversation via email or practicing financial negotiation with a friend or professional connection. TFD has an entire career video playlist that covers this topic at length!

3. Have a Few Scripts Ready: When you’re at the point of wanting to say no but the actual communication of that sounds terrifying, you’ll need a few go-to phrases to cushion the blow. 

When you feel put on the spot:

“I’m going to take some time to think about this, and I will get back to you with my answer when I’ve reviewed my budget.”

or

“That sounds like fun, but I want to make sure it’s something I can commit to financially. I’ll circle back once I’ve had a chance to check in with my budget.”

When you want to attempt to negotiate or find an alternative:

“I’d love to join, but that option is a bit out of my budget. Would you be open to doing something a little more low-key instead?”

  or 

“I’m happy to be part of this, but I can only swing [insert amount]. Would it work if I covered my portion and skipped the extras?”

When the answer is hard no:

“I’ve given it some thought, and I’m going to have to pass this time. I really appreciate the invite, and I hope it’s a great time!

or

“Right now, that doesn’t align with my financial goals, so I’m going to sit this one out. Thanks so much for understanding.

*****

The hidden costs of people-pleasing aren’t just something I encounter in my work as a therapist: I’ve sat through dinners, silently stressing over who’s expected to cover the stack of $20 appetizers, and I’ve stayed in underpaid freelance gigs far longer than I should have, afraid to rock the boat. But over time, I’ve learned that setting boundaries doesn’t just protect your peace—it protects your financial wellness too. 

As always, I hope my words encourage you to reflect on your own life, especially where people pleasing may be costing you. 

Remember: you’re not being selfish, you’re being financially responsible. 

For more from Sky, join her on Substack! Subscribe here to receive her personal essays right to your inbox. This newsletter is a cozy corner of self care, reflections, and other small pleasures. All are welcome <3

Skylar is a licensed clinical mental health counselor who talks about self-care as the foundation of a prosperous life. She has a deep love for yoga, vegetarian cooking, and religiously organizing her Google calendar. Follow her on Instagram for more self-care and mental health content or on LinkedIn for the more ~professional~ stuff.

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