The Good Husband Guide: How I Knew I Actually Wanted To Have A Kid

September 8, 2025

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This week’s newsletter is a special one — it’s the first installment of our new series called The Good Husband Guide, written by Holly.

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❤️ TFD

By Holly Trantham

Welcome to The Good Husband Guide: a new series dedicated to building a marriage or romantic partnership that actually improves your life, rather than adding stress to your already-stressful plate. (And yes, that often — but not always! — starts with an actually-good husband.) And thanks to our friends at Monarch for sponsoring this series. Whether you’re single or coupled, Monarch makes it simple to stay completely on top of your goals while minimizing money stress. Click here to get 50% off your first year with code ‘TFD50’.

Today is my last newsletter installment before logging off and out for maternity leave. And while this mental break from work will be much needed during this period of major life adjustments and physical healing, it’s definitely bittersweet! I’ve been writing and creating content for you all for 9 years now (as of this past weekend!), and when I come back, I’ll have an entirely new aspect of my identity to inform my perspective: that of a new mom.

I’ve never been one of those people who always knew they wanted a child. Just a few years ago, I was pretty sure I was leaning towards not having one — my husband and I were perfectly content in our DINK lives, and as the ever-popular sentiment on social media tells us, if it’s not a 100% “hell yes,” it’s a “no.” But now, as I’m writing this, I’m 38 weeks pregnant. And since I am about to head out on maternity leave, I decided now would be a good time to address a pretty vulnerable topic that I think many more people should talk about: how the hell to know you actually want a kid.

Can I pinpoint an exact moment where a switch flipped, and my stance became an absolute “hell yes”? Absolutely not. I’m not honestly sure how someone could arrive at such a place of certainty about a decision that is inherently, profoundly uncertain. Especially in today’s world, when the information about what could go wrong and how imperfect the experience of parenthood could be is so readily accessible. It also wasn’t just one conversation I had with my husband, Peter — the decision to start trying was made over the course of many conversations (with both Peter and my therapist) and many months, if not years. But from personal experience, I know this question is something that haunts a lot of people, and it’s something I wanted to thoughtfully address. 

Frankly, as many people will tell you, having a child is an emotional decision, not a logical one. However, while I am probably what some would kindly call “highly sensitive,” I’m also a pretty pragmatic and logically minded person. Ultimately, yes, I decided I wanted to experience the meaningful life shift of raising a child for emotional reasons. But there were a lot of logistical factors that made making that emotional decision a lot more palatable, and feasible. 

For one thing, I’m not worried about us being able to afford a kid. Our incomes are very solid for living a good life, even here in New York City. They mean we’re not thinking twice about paying for childcare starting as soon as we need it; it’ll be an adjustment, but forgoing it would be in no way worth losing either one of our salaries. (We’ve already started adjusting, made all the easier with our switch to Monarch, rather than the very manual spreadsheet system we’d been using for years.) My career isn’t everything, but it is important to me, and I wouldn’t have made this choice if the only option was to become a SAHM — something I know personally would not fulfill me, and something Peter would never have pushed for or expected, especially considering he’d never give a second thought to pausing his career. 

Lastly on the financial front, through Peter’s employment, we have quite literally the best healthcare plan I’ve ever seen. It means many necessary costs are imminently affordable (if not outright free) no matter what life throws at us. Now, I don’t believe in saying people should meet a certain income or responsibility threshold before having a kid. Frankly, that kind of thinking is poor-shaming at best, and eugenics-adjacent at worst. But for me, personally, I needed to know that I’d be able to still enjoy my life and feel stable even if we were to throw a child into the mix. If I was constantly struggling, I know my anxiety levels would not adjust well to such a heightened level of responsibility. 

And then there is Peter himself: I already had an equal partner at home. While we had an adjustment period when we first moved in together, and a few lessons on what “mental load” actually means, he has always taken on his fair share of the housework without acting like it is anything more than the responsibility that comes with being someone’s spouse. He took himself to doctor’s and dentists appointments and never expected me to manage his life admin for him. Is the bar on the floor? Maybe — but weaponized incompetence has never been something I’ve had to deal with, and I don’t think I’d ever choose to have a child were that also on my plate.  (I actually have a lot more to say on this, so watch this space.)

It was also important to make sure that this was a decision I was making for myself, not one I was making for anyone else. While I certainly don’t have “when are you giving me grandchildren”-type parents, I knew how exciting and fulfilling it would be for them to witness me raising a kid, and I could feel the weight of that anticipation. But as lovely as their excitement would be, appeasing your parents is not a good reason to bring a child into the world (or to do a lot of things, honestly). It took a lot of talk therapy and soul searching to determine that, yes, this was a decision for myself (and Peter). 

I also used to think that, if I were to become a parent, I would just adopt to save myself the discomfort and pain of pregnancy and labor. But the more I read about the trauma adoptees go through, especially with the many, many issues associated with our predominantly closed-adoption culture here in the U.S., I’ve come to believe that adoption needs to be approached with a very specific mindset, one that I don’t personally feel was informing my decision. Adoptive parents who put their children’s highly specific needs before their own expectations are true heroes. I believe that wanting to avoid pregnancy and labor is a perfectly good reason to not want to have a baby (especially now that I am towards the end of this process and know first-hand what it is actually like; NO ONE should be forced to see through an unwanted or nonviable pregnancy), but I ultimately found that I personally wanted a child more than I wanted to avoid that pain. 

Finally, I also determined it was a good thing I was most excited about the entire process of raising a child to adulthood — not simply having a baby. Listen, I love babies as much as the next person! I pull up photos of my newest nephew every day, just to get a look at his positively edible cheeks. But I also have what I think is a healthy amount of trepidation for the newborn phase, and I am a lot more excited to have a slightly older kid we can take on hikes, introduce to NYC theater and the WNBA, and generally just get to know as a person. As I’ve seen with all of our nieces and nephews, the baby phase is impossibly short. Peter and I both knew we didn’t just want a baby, but a child, and eventually an adult child — and yes, all of the rollercoaster ups and downs that will come with all of those phases in between.

September 24th: Join us for our next FREE masterclass, Rewiring Your Money Brain! There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding what makes someone good with money, and it’s especially confusing when you’re just starting out in the real world. In this workshop, we’ll tackle the biggest myths surrounding credit and budgeting, share our best practices for how to start investing strategically, and how to actually start thinking long-term (without sabotaging your life in the short term). Join us in partnership with Fizz to get a better handle on your money. Replay available if you can’t join live but you must register ahead of time! Click here to join!

November 12th: Wealth-building workshop alert! Join Chelsea along with Financial Planner and friend of TFD, Kellen Thayer, for How To Put Your Money To Work! This will be an info-packed 90-minute immersive workshop to learn the must-know wealth-building techniques for after you have covered the basics. Chelsea and Kellen will cover everything from the basics of real estate, mastering investments beyond the 401k, side income, entrepreneurship, and so much more! Click here to register!

I don't know if it's the Swede in me, but I’m a big fan of tin fish. Especially sardines. I usually add them to pasta for an easy boost of flavor and protein, but lately I’ve been experimenting with new ways to use them. I found this list of sardine recipes and it’s been fun to branch out beyond my usual.

For evening dog walks, I’ve been using this light-up vest for my pup. Not only does it keep us visible and safe, but he also looks like he’s auditioning to be an extra in Star Wars. 10/10 would recommend for both function and fashion.

Most of us have heard of AA, but not as many people know about Al-Anon, a support group for those impacted by someone else’s addiction. A friend of mine attends and said it’s been incredibly powerful to hear stories from others in similar situations. I thought it was worth sharing since we don’t often talk about support for loved ones, even though it’s just as important.

I’ve been enjoying this Instagram account that shares thoughtful questions for partners. They’re sweet, sometimes surprising, and often spark conversations I wouldn’t have thought to start otherwise.

And lastly, I shared this in our recent team recs newsletter but a new set of pens always makes me feel organized and inspired. My current favorite is this set of vintage-color pens. I'm a millennial and naturally I love me some sage green and dusty rose. Suddenly my to-do list feels like a Trader Joe's display board. 

^{While this section includes products and services from our paid partners, we only feature brands we genuinely like and use—and think you would, too.}

FINANCIAL ADVISORY — Advisor.com: Dozens of people in the TFD community already trust and use Advisor! They’re one of the only financial advisory companies offering their services for a fixed, flat annual fee. Their team of advisors work for you, not commissions, and help you to achieve your financial goals through planning, investing, and more, no matter where you’re starting from.

INVESTING — Betterment: If you’ve been wanting to start investing but feel overwhelmed by where to begin, Betterment makes it super simple—even if you’re not a financial expert. With automated investing and goal-based planning tools, they’ll help you grow your money responsibly and sustainably over time. It’s a great option if you want to take control of your financial future without having to become a full-time market expert.

BUDGETING — Monarch: Our recommended Mint replacement! As we already shared in the main section of this newsletter, we highly recommend using Monarch to take the guesswork out of managing your money — use it to budget, set goals, and actually understand where your money’s going. Even better: there’s no ads, no selling your financial data to third parties, and no "premium only" upsells — just a clean, secure app that makes managing money feel way less overwhelming (and actually kinda fun?).

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