The Good Husband Guide: 12 Reasons I Knew I Wouldn't Be Marrying An Adult Toddler

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By Holly Trantham

Welcome to The Good Husband Guide: a new series dedicated to building a marriage or romantic partnership that actually improves your life, rather than adding stress to your already-stressful plate. (And yes, that often — but not always! — starts with an actually-good husband.) Thanks so much to our friends at Monarch for sponsoring this series. Whether you’re single or coupled, Monarch makes it simple to stay completely on top of your goals while minimizing money stress. Click here to get 50% off your first year with code ‘TFD50’.

We have talked about the “adult toddler husband” for years now. And it’s easy to understand how a woman can get trapped into this kind of marriage dynamic: her boyfriend will say all the right things. He will point out cute baby clothes in store windows, talk about all the ways he’ll be a more present parent than his own father, casually drop “when we have kids” into conversation. They’ll talk openly about how they envision sharing childcare duties, and how much they can’t wait for those family vacations and cozy movie nights in.

Then, they actually have a kid. He doesn’t understand why she’s so stressed all the time — doesn’t parenting come naturally to women? He works so hard during the day, doesn’t she understand that he just wants to relax when he comes home? Can’t she just make him a list of all the things that need to be done every day, since they are clearly more obvious to her? And why is this all such a big deal! 

At some point in my life, I realized that being stuck in this kind of dynamic — mothering a child while also babying a grown man — was one of my greatest fears. I think deep down, I knew I wanted the experience of raising a child, but not at the expense of my sanity or individual identity. And I lucked out with my husband, Peter, because after several years of marriage, I knew this wouldn’t be our situation. I think early on in a relationship, there are red flags that can be easily pointed out in hindsight. But we don’t talk about green flags enough, and the reasons why marrying a specific man could actually add to your life. 

These are Peter’s green flags that helped me to know I wouldn’t be marrying an adult toddler, regardless of whether we had a kid.

1. He had art from friends and family photos on his wall. This seems a bit silly in the context of how someone would be as a long-term romantic partner, but it was something I noticed right away: he actually cared about creating a cozy and welcoming environment. And even if it was not my taste (two different paintings of dogs playing poker, mind you), it was important to me that my future husband should see a home as more than a dumping ground for dirty laundry. 

2. He kept his home tidy and mostly clean, and he actually made his bed every morning. This is certainly not a prerequisite for being a good parent or person, and I know people have different levels of executive functioning that make these things more or less difficult. But many men aren’t messy due to cognitive conditions; they are messy because they were never brought up not to be, and never felt the need to grow out of that state of arrested development. Peter’s tidiness told me that I wasn't going to have to establish a baseline of an acceptable living standard, and that he had figured out how to accomplish chores and household tasks on his own.

3. He actually went to all of his necessary dentists and doctor's visits. Vet visits for his cat, too. Listen: I know the bar is in hell, but self-sufficiency and independence are hugely underrated in a romantic partner. Also, preventative healthcare is extremely important to me (and, I think, undervalued in our healthcare system), and I knew I would want a spouse who valued that as well.

4. He is routine-oriented. He has a very clear morning routine that includes taking care of our cats, which are certainly not the same as a kid. But this is already proof that he is comfortable caring for beings beyond himself, and that he does not expect his daily schedules to revolve entirely around himself.

5. He never expected me to take care of everything at home once we moved in together. Early on, when I was a little frustrated at taking on more of the mental load, he even listened and adjusted his habits and mindset without making me feel bad about him taking on more chores.

6. He actually does a lot more day to day chores than me, without complaining. He inherently understands that just because some tasks I manage happen less frequently, that doesn’t mean they don’t take up the same amount of mental space and energy. He knows the value of the less-frequent tasks I take care of, like planning family visits, deep-cleaning the apartment, managing our budget, keeping the calendar, planning dates and activities, etc. 

7. He notices other men falling short. When other men are domestically incompetent (weaponized or not), he rolls his eyes at it and points it out without me needing to. It has honestly become a thing we gossip about. He also actively complains about how certain other men in our families don't know how to load a dishwasher. Call them out, king!

8. He adjusted his spending behaviors when we started sharing finances. He went from having chronic rolled-over credit card debt to actively maxing out 401k to paying off his student loans and reaching six figures in our biggest shared savings goal. Money is something we both got comfortable talking about early on, and sharing our lives has only benefitted both of us financially. 

9. He cooked of his own volition. I knew that, if we had a kid in the future, they would never know a household where only mom cooks. This is not to say that those households are bad or wrong — but as someone who is competent at it doesn’t actually love cooking (I’m much more of a baker!), I really appreciated finding a partner who would want to take on more of this. 

10. He has actively made adjustments over time based on my preferences. For instance, once he caught onto how much emphasis I was putting on my protein consumption (before my nutrition planning went out the window during pregnancy, lol), he started being more conscientious of planning for it in our meals. He doesn't necessarily get everything perfect all the time — we're still working on fiber — but he genuinely tries without being asked, which is honestly something I don’t take for granted.

11. He values both of our independence. He has his own social outings and hobbies that are important to him, but he does not treat them as more important than mine. We are proactive about making sure our schedules feel fair and balanced, so that one person is not overburdened with household responsibilities.

12. He has a genuine curiosity about the world. I know I will not have to worry about nagging him to participate in our child’s life and family activities, both because I know he will enjoy those things, but also because he isn’t the kind of man to just scroll mindlessly on his phone or insist on turning on a sports game while everyone else is participating in a group activity. 

*****

I am not saying that a man must exhibit all of the below in order to be a good husband/partner and/or father. These are simply the reasons I was confident in marrying my own person, and why I’m also confident in going into parenthood together!

January 8th: How To Use Monarch — This is a totally FREE workshop for both new and existing Monarch users to learn how to get the most out of our team's favorite budgeting app! This workshop will be co-hosted by Alexa Claire (TFD content and Production Manager) along with Rachel Samara (TFD Marketing Director) who both use Monarch daily! In this workshop, we’ll walk you step-by-step through how to set up Monarch, personalize it to your financial goals, and use its most powerful features to take control of your spending. Whether you’re budgeting for the first time or looking to finally stay consistent, this session will help you build a system that actually fits your real life. Come ready to follow along, ask questions, and leave with a clear structure you can start using immediately. [Please note this workshop was originally scheduled for December 4th, but we moved it to this new date]

*This link will prompt you to download Monarch + show proof of download before being sent to the workshop registration page

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