The Art of Opting Out: Lessons From a Therapist

^{February 3, 2025}

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By Skylar Hunyadi

At the top of each month, I map out my social plans and responsibilities to get a bird’s eye view of the next four weeks. I write in appointments, volunteer hours, friend dates, exercise classes, community events, my book club, and whatever else I have on the menu. If that sounds like a lot, that’s because it is. I recall sitting at my desk, staring at my Google Calendar, feeling less excited for the coming month and more like I was entering a marathon. Simply put, I felt socially overwhelmed, and the month hadn’t even started yet. 

As a therapist, I know this tendency all too well—overbooking, saying yes to every  opportunity, not checking in or predicting social capacity. I probably have this conversation about boundaries two or three times a week, and I wholeheartedly preach it. And therein lies the irony of being a therapist: we can struggle to practice what we preach. 

After getting through the marathon of summer, I entered the fall intending to have what I deemed a “slow fall,” and while that didn’t pan out exactly as I’d hoped, I did get a nice stay-cation at the end of October. The pace picked back up in November and December with the holidays and my partner getting spine surgery. I strategically carved out a blissful two-week vacation over Christmas and New Year’s and entered 2025 planning to approach my social life more mindfully. With my therapist's encouragement, we came up with a handful of guidelines to experiment with in January.

I appreciate my therapist’s diligence in pointing out my pattern of overbooking and socially burning out. In a culture that normalizes and glorifies always being available, it’s easy to ignore your own red flags. But I genuinely love my extracurriculars. I have an incredible community and many social opportunities at my fingertips. But the fact is, I didn’t always love how I felt after these events—tired, drained, and wishing the next thing would get canceled. I had been overdrafting my social energy. 

Just like in finances, we have an allotted amount of money for fun spending. So, I created an “energy budget” to get my spending back on track:

1. No more than two weekly post-work events per week: social, appointments, volunteer, or otherwise. I used to easily stack events after work, leaving me with few chill week day evenings.

2. No Friday and Saturday night plans (Friday night and Satur(day) plans are okay). The idea is to free up at least one weekend evening for myself. 

3. No big Sunday plans unless it’s yoga with friends or something very low stakes. 

4. Rotate plans with various friend groups so I’m evenly spreading my energy. 

5. And my favorite: one nothing weekend per month. This entails an entirely unstructured, plan-free weekend to focus on recharging my social battery. 

Now, these may seem like big changes, and honestly, it was quite the shift. But in my experience as a therapist, dedicating yourself to a short trial period of new behavior is sometimes all the evidence we need to commit to sustained change. Instead of thinking this was my new normal, I chose to look at these guidelines as tools to reset my social habits. 

As of writing this, I have about a month under my belt of more mindful social planning. During that time, I certainly experienced some discomfort. The inevitable feeling of FOMO has visited me a few times. However, I’m well-equipped with coping skills to ride this temporary wave of distress. I’ve also had to practice asking others to accommodate me. I’m fortunate to have a wide social net; however, it can sometimes leave me with quite the scheduling puzzle. To reduce stress around fitting all my friends into one month, I’ve asked to schedule into the future or to put plans on pause until I have more free time. And while my calendar “technically” has room, I remember my energy budget in these moments. Not to my surprise, my friends are more than supportive of my endeavor to safeguard my energy.  

I'm currently reading Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management For Mere Mortals by Oliver Burkeman and feeling called out at every word (in the best way). He concisely states: “You need to learn how to start saying no to things you do want to do, with the recognition that you have only one life.” As I read this, the cringey, but apt, phrase “YOLO” came to mind, except instead of as an excuse to make bad choices, it reminds me to mindfully manage my relatively little time on this earth. 

Overall, my energy budget has been effective and sustainable. I’ve been able to prioritize movement more easily after work, fitting in walks, YouTube workouts, and stretching sessions. Also, my one nothing weekend per month unlocked a new level of chill for me. I highly recommend “scheduling” unstructured time into your month. Not only did I notice my creativity increase, but I could also process emotions that inevitably went on the back burner.

Now, when I look at my calendar, I’m not holding my breath, feeling as though I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. Instead, these boundaries feel necessary as I strive to live a rich and balanced life. I look forward to each event I’ve intentionally scheduled because I’ve countered it with adequate time for rest. By creating an energy budget and sticking to it, I have a greater capacity to enjoy my life. Experiences like this remind me of the nuance of being a therapist and a human. Recognizing when something isn’t working and making adjustments is a normal and healthy part of life. 

So, if you struggle with overcommitting, I encourage you to create an energy budget that honors your limits, aims for more balance, and embraces the challenging but essential art of opting out. 

For more from Sky, join her on Substack! Subscribe here to receive her personal essays right to your inbox. This newsletter is a cozy corner of self care, reflections, and other small pleasures. All are welcome <3

Skylar is a licensed clinical mental health counselor who talks about self-care as the foundation of a prosperous life. She has a deep love for yoga, vegetarian cooking, and religiously organizing her Google calendar. Follow her on Instagram for more self-care and mental health content or on LinkedIn for the more ~professional~ stuff.

Welcome to our weekly series, Ask A Financial Advisor with Kellen Thayer of ​Advisor.com​! Dozens of members of the TFD community love and trust Advisor to help them on financial journeys. Get $500 off your first year with Advisor by signing up through TFD! ​Click here​ to take our short quiz and schedule a FREE consultation call with Advisor today and never make another financial decision alone!

Q: I have accrued a lot of credit card debt due to a recent job loss and a terrible market. Would you recommend a personal loan?

A: A personal loan can be a useful tool for consolidating credit card debt, but it’s not always the best option. Start by assessing the interest rates on your credit cards versus the rates you might qualify for with a personal loan. If the loan offers a lower rate, consolidating your debt into one payment can save you money and simplify repayment.

However, consider the fees involved, such as origination fees, and whether you can commit to the loan’s repayment schedule. If your credit score isn’t strong, the loan terms might not be favorable.

Alternatively, you could explore balance transfer credit cards with 0% introductory APR offers. These can provide breathing room to pay down debt faster, but only if you’re disciplined about paying it off before the promotional period ends. Finally, prioritize building an emergency fund alongside debt repayment to avoid falling back into the cycle.

Get $500 off your first year with Advisor by signing up through TFD! ​Click here​ to take our short quiz and schedule a FREE consultation call with Advisor today and never make another financial decision alone!

Advisor.com provides clients with a top notch advising team for a fixed, flat annual fee. Their team of advisors work for you, not commissions, and help you to achieve your smart financial goals through planning, investing, and more.

About Kellen Thayer

Kellen has dedicated his career to helping clients achieve their financial goals through comprehensive financial planning and wealth management. He holds an MBA with a concentration in Finance from the University of Pittsburgh. Before joining Advisor Wealth Management, Kellen worked as an investment advisor at Goldman Sachs partnering with clients with $25mm plus in investable assets and later advised high-net-worth clients at Raymond James. His expertise spans a wide range of financial strategies, always with a focus on empowering clients from all backgrounds to build and sustain their wealth.

I saw The Brutalist last week and while it was definitely a difficult watch during certain parts, the film was absolutely beautiful and I'd highly recommend it. It's a 3.5 hour epic with a built-in intermission, shot entirely on VistaVision cameras and 35mm film. It tells the tale of an esteemed Hungarian architect escaping the Holocaust and discovering the reality of the "American dream". It honestly didn't feel like 3.5 hours and I could have watched more, easily.

Speaking of not realizing how long things take, let me share my favorite at-home workout video. It's fun and challenging and I never realize 45 minutes have passed because there isn't a ton of repetition and the trainer is really engaging. Enjoy :)

As many of us do, I have goals to read more this year. I need to stop doomscrolling, it's simply not helping me or anyone. So I asked my best friend for some book recommendations and here's what they had to say:

If you're in the mood for a research heavy, but eye opening and fascinating perspective on our modern world, try Fresh Banana Leaves, by Jessica Hernandez PHD. It discusses why "western conservationism isn't working--and offers Indigenous models informed by case studies, personal stories, and family histories that center the voices of Latin American women and land protectors." 

For a lighter read they also recommend The Priory of the Orange Tree, by Samantha Shannon, and describe it as an "epic & bad ass female forward fantasy novel with a well developed queer love story." 

I can't wait to dive into both! 

🚨FREE WORKSHOP ALERT! Join Chelsea & our friends from Advisor.com on February 19th for The FIREside Chat. This mini masterclass will be a deep dive into what it really means to achieve financial independence (whether or not you plan to retire early). Chelsea & a financial advisor will share all the tools you need to reach financial freedom. This class will contain a 60-minute lesson followed by a 30-minute live Q&A all around the tangible steps towards financial independence. Click here to take our super short quiz and register.

🎥 Our January video essay, Tipping Culture Is Completely Broken, dropped last week! This video deep dives into the dark evolution of tipping culture in America. And a reminder that $4.99 and up members of the ​Society at TFD​ get an ad-free extended version!

🇺🇸Chelsea also dropped an impromptu video on the current chaotic state of American politics late last week. Make sure to check out we need to have a serious conversation, if you haven’t already.

✨Make sure to get your hands on our latest guidebook, ​The January Vibe Check​! This is a 16-page guidebook dedicated to helping you reflect on your goals from last year, plot your 2025 goals with intention, tune up your finances, and think about how you want your life to look different in 12 months from now. Exclusively available for members of The Society Premium. Our February guidebook, Your Financial Emergency Plan, drops February 5th!

📚Don't miss out! We’re still offering exclusive access to an entirely new bonus chapter for those who have purchased our latest book, ​Beyond Getting By​. With the start of a new year, we know how much you all are reevaluating how you spend your money and time. Beyond Getting By is the perfect companion for retooling your relationship with money, your career, and your life in general, complete with dozens of pages of beautifully designed interactive exercises. In order to get access to “‘Working To Live’ In The Face Of Layoff Culture,” please share your proof of purchase with us by filling out ​this very short form​ — once you fill out the form, the bonus chapter will be automatically emailed to you.

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