Stop Believing Friendship Should Happen Overnight

November 24, 2025

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By Skylar Hunyadi

You know when you meet a potential new friend and there’s that platonic spark--a tiny thrill as you discover shared values, goals, mutual love (or hate) for something? It’s exciting to find someone you vibe with. And these sparks, glimmers of what could be, are worth following. But mutualities alone won’t sustain the foundation of friendship. After the initial excitement fades, it’s easy to feel unsure about how to nurture something meaningful. Strong connections are built slowly, intentionally, and sometimes awkwardly.  

How do you actually build lasting connections? First, let’s demystify the unrealistic narratives surrounding friendship. 

Popular culture loves the idea of “instant connection,” not just in romance, but in friendship too. Think of Parks and Recreation, Gilmore Girls, Grey’s Anatomy, and even influencer “bestie” content. Everyone seems to find their person in a montage or a comment section. These stories tend to romanticize overnight bonds while skipping over the awkward, unglamorous middle, where most real relationships actually live. This “instant connection” narrative is misleading, making us feel behind or inadequate when friendships that felt fated don’t unfold as perfectly as we'd hoped. 

And then there’s our biology, our psychological desire for comfort. Humans are social creatures, and so we seek out the validation and safety of being surrounded by others (even if those people kind of suck). Unfortunately, in adulthood, we don’t have the same proximity to potential friends through school, sports, and clubs. We have to seek it out and sustain it, making us more likely to settle for what’s convenient. Because of this, we can get caught up in the fantasy of instant besties and, all of a sudden, half ass friends are better than none, right? (wrong). 

Here’s the problem: the instant best friend myth creates unrealistic expectations. 

If we don’t click immediately, or if we do and nothing comes of it, we assume something is wrong with us or the other person. We don’t actually give the connection a chance to flourish. I describe this to my clients as “short-circuiting” the trust-building process. We can’t force trust. It takes lived experience. Research shows trust doesn’t form overnight; it often takes dozens of hours of shared time and consistent positive interactions to develop. One 2018 study found it takes around 50 hours to move from acquaintance to friend and over 200 hours to form close trust.

So, how do we build sustainable friendships?

It’s a practice formed through repetition, consistency, and shared experiences. In this process comes vulnerability, small emotional risks like showing up and being curious about one another.

I’ll give you an example from my own life. I met my best friend in my sophomore year of college in an English class--we bonded over the same L.L. Bean backpack. My previous college friendships felt forced, but with her, I felt a genuine connection. She asked me to get coffee, and as someone with social anxiety, I was nervous about the potential awkward silences. 

Many coffee dates later, we eventually found ourselves both working at the college museum, where we got to know one another even better. Shared experiences became inside jokes, then deeper conversations. I hesitated at first to join her at her family gatherings, but eventually I did. Even after she moved an hour away, we stayed close through texts, visits, and supporting each other through hard times.

Years later, she’s my best friend. It wasn’t instant; it was a spark carefully cultivated over time.

This same friend coined the term, “limp noodle friend,” in other words, a person you want to be close friends with but aren’t yet. I can confidently say now we have moved past the limp noodle phase into something solid and lasting. 

Moral of the story: embrace the slow burn 

Slow burn friendships often turn out to be deeper and more sustainable because they have history on their side. Here are some quick tips to embrace the slow, and likely awkward, process of building a sustainable friendship. 

1. Normalize and fully expect awkwardness. It’s part of the process. Feeling unsure or reading too much into silence doesn’t mean the friendship isn’t working; it just means you’re both finding your rhythm.

2. Truly give it time before you throw in the towel. I don’t have a precise timeline, but I try to follow a three-to-five-hangout rule before deciding whether there’s potential. Sometimes it takes multiple contexts (coffee, errands, group events) before people relax into themselves. 

3. Prioritize low-pressure opportunities to nurture connection. Text to share a random thought, invite them to join something you’re already doing, or offer small acts of consistency like checking in, remembering details, and showing up when you say you will. These ordinary moments build familiarity, which is the groundwork for trust.

*****

Remember: friendship is less about instant chemistry and more about cumulative effort.

Clicking instantly is good initial data, but it’s not the measure of a strong friendship. The people who become our closest friends are usually the ones who show up and stay showing up over time. If your friendships feel slow or awkward right now, you’re not failing--you’re likely in the middle of something real. And maybe that's worth truly exploring. 

For more from Sky, join her on Substack! Subscribe here to receive her personal essays right to your inbox. Here's her latest post. This newsletter is a cozy corner of self care, reflections, and other small pleasures. All are welcome <3

Skylar is a licensed clinical mental health counselor who talks about self-care as the foundation of a prosperous life. She has a deep love for yoga, vegetarian cooking, and religiously organizing her Google calendar. Follow her on Instagram for more self-care and mental health content or on LinkedIn for the more ~professional~ stuff.

December 4th: How To Use Monarch — This is a totally FREE workshop for both new and existing Monarch users to learn how to get the most out of our team's favorite budgeting app! This workshop will be co-hosted by Alexa Claire (TFD content and Production Manager) along with Rachel Samara (TFD Marketing Director) who both use Monarch daily! In this workshop, we’ll walk you step-by-step through how to set up Monarch, personalize it to your financial goals, and use its most powerful features to take control of your spending. Whether you’re budgeting for the first time or looking to finally stay consistent, this session will help you build a system that actually fits your real life. Come ready to follow along, ask questions, and leave with a clear structure you can start using immediately.

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