Identity, American Motherhood, & How Choice Became A Privilege

May 5, 2025

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❤️ TFD

Welcome back to our weekly series, Ask A Financial Advisor with Kellen Thayer of ​Advisor.com​! Dozens of members of the TFD community love and trust Advisor to help them on their financial journeys. Get $500 off your first year with Advisor by signing up through TFD! ​Click here​ to take our short quiz and schedule a FREE consultation call with Advisor today and never make another financial decision alone!

Q: Would you recommend a joint banking account for a recently married couple?

A: Joint accounts can simplify shared expenses, but they’re not the only option. Many couples find a hybrid approach works best: one joint account for household expenses and individual accounts for personal spending.

Start by discussing your financial goals, monthly expenses, and spending habits. Decide what percentage of each person’s income will go into the joint account for bills, savings, and shared goals like travel. Transparency is key—you should work towards being comfortable discussing money regularly.

If one of you has significant debt or a poor credit score, keeping some finances separate may protect the other’s credit. A joint account is a great tool, but the real goal is building trust and working as a team.

By Holly Trantham

Last week, I shared the big news going on in my life on my Instagram: I’m pregnant! I’m now a bit over halfway through this ~journey~ and expecting a baby girl in September, right around my husband’s birthday. (For those who care, this means we’re looking at bringing either a Virgo or a Libra into this household — very different potential vibes!) And the morning after I posted, I saw I had lost about 20-30 followers, a hilariously noticeable number when you don’t have that many to begin with. 

As someone who was for a long time ambivalent about the idea of becoming a parent, I get it. In my mid- to late-twenties, when I was engaged/newly married but not remotely interested in having a baby in the near future (or potentially ever), I would automatically unfollow or mute people I didn’t know personally after they shared they were pregnant. I simply expected their entire lives, and thus all of their content, to now be about motherhood, and that was not something I was interested in. 

And while it feels personally funny that someone would make that same assumption about me, a person who already only posts to the grid maybe nine times a year and mostly shares photos of her cats in stories, it makes sense in our social context. Motherhood is viewed as a woman’s ultimate achievement, after which her permanent role is simply Mom. If she dares find fulfillment in other aspects of her life at the same time, she better effusively describe how much they pale in comparison to her job of being a mom. And encouraging that identity takeover en masse must certainly be the explanation for fixing our imminent population decline, something our current administration is proposing through motherhood bonuses for every child born or medals to moms who’ve given birth to six (6!!) or more children. 

When we’re told over and over again that nothing in life will ever be as important or fulfilling as being a mother, it makes sense that people treat you differently when it happens. I’ve already started noticing this in my personal life beyond just my social media following, especially through family members who have taken more interest in my husband’s and my lives than they ever did pre-pregnancy. And honestly, it’s hard not to talk about it and bore your friends a little bit! Being pregnant is more than a little overwhelming, and I’m sure my mom friends or want-to-be-an-eventual-mom friends are more interested in hearing about my placenta placement than my childfree friends. 

But I never would have signed on to be a parent if I thought it meant it would permanently take over my entire identity. It was a decision I thought about over the course of years, in conversations with myself, my husband, and my therapist. And there are a few truths in my life that have made it a lot more palatable of a choice, especially when I sincerely know I still would have had a fulfilling life without becoming a parent.

For one thing, I have access to paid parental leave, thanks both to TFD’s and NY state policies. I work in a place where I do not fear retaliation or negative consequences for having a baby. As much as work is not my entire life, it is important to me, and I didn’t fear how having a child would affect my career in the long run.

Another factor: we can afford it. Contrary to how it sometimes feels living in a city alongside such normalized, grotesque displays of wealth, we have more financial privilege than over 90 percent of the country. Childcare especially is going to require some budget changes, but it means re-prioritizing rather than sacrificing. So that maybe means one or two fewer trips per year, but still maxing out our retirement accounts and spending money on our hobbies.

Most importantly, I have a husband who is truly an equal partner, who has shown before having a child that he is willing to take on his fair share of household responsibilities. When I was writing TFD’s second book and working twice as much as normal for several months, he showed me that he understood that “fair share” sometimes means taking on more than your partner based on what’s on their plate — I wasn’t worried about him taking on the majority of chores were I to get pregnant, start breastfeeding, etc. And I wasn’t worried about losing myself fully to motherhood, because he already supported me spending plenty of time and energy on my interests. Not to mention, he is genuinely excited to be a parent, not just a fun dad, from already boring me with stroller tech specs, to starting conversations about toddler discipline, to trembling with excitement over putting together marble rollercoasters with our future kid.

There are plenty of other personal reasons for having a child that I’m not going to get into too deeply, of course. (For a quick summary, in one of our video essays, my friend Maggie shared viewing parenthood as a source of eudaimonic rather than hedonic pleasure, a value I share.) But all of the above factors make the choice of parenthood a privilege rather than a given right for most of the people, especially would-be moms, in this country — none of which are being remotely addressed by our current federal government. When the accepted viewpoint is that motherhood is reward enough in itself, and that you should just be happy accepting that as your sole source of personal value, the idea of a one-time $5,000 bonus or the tiny possibility of being awarded a Fulbright scholarship (a truly out-of-left-field suggestion) I guess isn’t such a slap in the face. Never mind the fact that most women seeking abortions are already moms, likely thanks to the cost and difficulty of raising a child in this country. Never mind the fact that policies like child tax credits, free or affordable childcare, and paid parental leave (for ALL parents, not just moms) are actually proven to improve the quality of life of children and families, and make it more desirable to become parents. 

I certainly don’t expect the right to start viewing mothers or would-be mothers as full individuals in their own right. But for me, the idea of becoming a mom was only attractive when I felt confident it wouldn’t mean giving up the rest of myself, and the level of financial and emotional stability that necessitates that. The answer to encouraging greater levels of parenthood is going to be found in making that stability a possibility for everyone — not putting more pressure on women to find their entire self-worth in the role of being a mom.

1. I'm a very low-maintenance makeup person, and I basically never wear interesting eye makeup (it makes my eyes itch!). But I do love to mix it up with different blushes, and I have been loving the Saie liquid blush! The 'Baby' color (hate the name) is the perfect cool pink for my fellow winter/summer pale girlies looking for a brighter blush for spring.

2. I have been in such a romance novel slump lately, starting and abandoning several books in a row because the writing is so tired or cringe. I finally found a good one in A Shore Thing, which I absolutely devoured in just a few days! It's a historical romance with a trans character, and I loved reading about the real history that inspired the author. Great banter, a truly swoony love interest, and a perfect summery setting for the season!

3. I am also in the middle of The Other Significant Others, all about the power and importance of platonic love, and I'm really enjoying it. It's also our next book club pick for all paid tiers of the Society at TFD — our meeting is May 21st, so definitely join if you want to participate!

4. I needed a new wardrobe cabinet recently and decided to get this locker-style one, and I'm obsessed with it! A little pricey, but it is super easy to put together, roomy, and great quality. I also love all of the color options, and I'll probably buy more from this brand in the future!

5. If you still haven't watched The Pitt, what are you even doing?

📣Events

May 20th: If you’re feeling anxious about all of the current recession talk, we’d love for you to join us May 20th for a totally FREE workshop: Recession Prepping Your Finances. This workshop is all about financially (and mentally) preparing for a recession, in partnership with our friends at Aura. While we can't control the economy, there's plenty we can do to weather the financial storm. Join TFD creative director Holly Trantham and an expert CFP for this 90 minute workshop. Replay available if you can’t join live but you must register ahead of time for access!

May 27th: NYC — Join us for Chelsea’s book launch party! Chelsea will be joined by NYT bestselling author Ashley C Ford for a fabulous evening celebrating Chelsea's sophomore romance novel, The High Dive. Ashley will lead a conversation with Chelsea around the novel's themes of love, money, and class politics, followed by interactive audience games, giveaways, and Q&A. Each guest will receive a signed copy of the book, as well as a gift bag featuring gifts from Dieux, Onsen, Poketo, and more! Space is very limited. Get your tickets here.

🎥YouTube

Our April video essay, How Stanley Cups Predicted Our Black Mirror Economy, premiered last week. In the video, Chelsea dives into America’s problem with hyper-consumption. Check it out if you haven’t done so already!

We’re excited to bring back Asked & Answered for season 2! In this series, co-hosts Chelsea & Erin Lowry of Broke Millennial answer your personal money questions from budgeting and investing basics, to navigating the financial headlines of our current political climate. Yesterday we premiered the first episode, Are The Tariffs Really That Big Of A Deal?, and we have new episodes dropping weekly on Sundays. Make sure to tune in!

ICYMI: We brought back The Financial Confessions for 2 episodes over the past few weeks. Chelsea sat down with Les Alfred, founder of the She's So Lucky Podcast (formerly known as Balanced Black Girl) for a conversation about building a successful media brand, navigating toxic wellness culture, dating, relationships, prenups, and more. Check out How To Not Settle In Dating, Business, & Life now.

Chelsea also sat down with Morgan Debaun, founder and CEO of Blavity & Afrotech, for a conversation about being a founder, a working mom, DEI, and more. Check out Morgan’s episode of The Financial Confessions, How Morgan DeBaun Is Building Her Future In A Scary World.

✨The Society

Check out our latest Society podcast capsule series, TikTok Therapy! In this 4-part series Chelsea is joined by Samantha Dalton, clinical social worker, for a discussion about how mental health and therapy speak have been co-opted and distorted across social media. Each episode will break down a different piece of toxic mental health advice. The first 3 episodes are available now to watch or stream, with the final episode dropping this Friday!

Join us for our May Society workshop, How To DIY Your Ideal Career. We're excited to have holistic career coach and friend of TFD, Danielle Nicholson, host this workshop on May 12th at 6:30pm et. In today's crazy job market where everything feels out of your control, Danielle will help you identify and take back what is in your control when it comes to advancing your career. From clarifying your professional goals, to giving you actionable steps to build a portfolio (no matter your industry), Danielle will help you figure out what is and is not worth your time so you can navigate the current job market with more confidence.

Check out our latest guidebook, A Low-Spend Guidebook For The Anti-Consumerist Curious. Written by Holly, this month’s Premium guidebook is a dense 21-page guide to help you audit your consumer habits, and make meaningful change in order to both help your budget, and be a more thoughtful and sustainable consumer. Join The Society at the $9.99 tier for access. Our May guidebook drops later this week!

With the current economic chaos, we highly recommend checking out the replay of our March Society workshop, Your Money Under Trump, which was hosted by Amanda Holden last week. Amanda covered everything from recession-prepping to the future of Social Security. If you’re feeling unsure about how to navigate these times, Amanda shares level-headed advice in this workshop.

The Society at TFD is our members-only community with access available on both YouTube and Patreon. Joining The Society is the best way to directly support TFD! The Society offers the exact same things on both platforms, so choose whichever one you prefer!

We offer 3 tier options:

The Society at TFD Lite: $2.99/month

• Monthly office hours with Chelsea to chat and get your personal questions answered

• Access to our monthly book club hosted by TFD Creative Director, Holly

• Illustrated tech backgrounds every month

• Access to Society Discord

The Society at TFD: $4.99/month — includes everything in the $2.99 tier plus:

• Monthly ad-free extended director's cut videos from Chelsea

• Exclusive members-only events and workshops

• Complete post archive (including exclusive members-only videos of Chelsea ranting on different topics)

The Society Premium: $9.99/month — includes everything from the previous tiers plus:

• Weekly newsletter from Chelsea

• Monthly multi-page workbook/guidebook on a different topic each month

• Members-only capsule podcasts